put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
