what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
