i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize