Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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