worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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