Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
