I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
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your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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