Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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