Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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