Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
