I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she woke up with a sticky ear
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
