Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
