Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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