The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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