let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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