Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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