I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
