how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
