this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
