I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
