May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
