I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
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I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
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Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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