we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
