life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
