he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
