the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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