either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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