new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
