Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
