What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
