I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
