people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
