I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
