All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
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She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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