i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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