I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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