were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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