i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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