He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
