I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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