Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
