Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
