Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
