Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
