I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My cat gives me a boner
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
