I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
