The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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