Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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