saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
whose parrot is this?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
