Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize