How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
