so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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