I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
