Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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