dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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